Chivalry at Risk

2016 is full of shouting and protest.  Everyone is angry, busy being righteous.  Social progress is arguably being made, but at what cost?  We are forgetting our greatest strengths, kindness chief amongst them.  In our rush to be forward thinking we are sacrificing elegant concepts of the past.

I have feminist friends who aggressively promote the ideology of sameness. Rubbish! I don’t want to be the same as a man.  I enjoy being treated like a lady.  Please, go ahead and open a door for me.  Allow me to enter a space before you.  Carry something that is heavy to ease my way. Defend me and shelter me from harm.  In return I will respect your strength and feel cherished.

Could I have opened the door myself?  Of course I could!  But where is the fun in that? Every time my mate chooses to honor me with a traditional gesture I choose to feel honored.  He is not stomping on my independence or individuality.  He is telling me that he loves me.

No one wants to be mated with an insensitive clod. We all want to see the softer side and get to the inner hearts of our men.  But any woman who tells you she is immune to masculine strength is lying to you. Watch television or pick up a book. What do our most revered male icons share?  Our protagonists throughout history have been primarily Alpha males.  Manly men should be appreciated, not mocked or beaten down for masculine impulse or expression.

I am not suggesting that we worship muscle, although a good physique can surely be appreciated.  Mental strength, solid decision making, strong moral character are all desirable traits.  Leadership abilities, construction and mechanical abilities, philosophy and poetic bents can all be part of the ideal male.  Outdoorsman or city slicker, a sense of humor and a surprising ability to dance-whatever floats your boat, underneath it all I want a man who remains essentially and unapologetically male.

Women are not the weaker sex. But we are a different sex, with different strengths.  Yes, same wages for same job is logical.  Berating someone for being a man is not.  I taught my sons to respect women, and also to respect themselves.  Their spouses are appreciative, for their men are kind individuals unafraid to give their hearts. They are truthful to their mates, unafraid to say what they feel or follow the instincts they understand to be right. They have manners. They have strength of character. They treat their ladies as they someday wish their own daughters be treated. They share traditional values, for which they face rebuke.

Shame seems to be the newest mantra.  You are not keeping up with new ways and instead embrace the old.  Shame on you.  Hang your head. I for one will not. Nor will I expect the manly men I love to apologize or will I fight them off when they offer me traditional gestures. I am not outraged by their thoughtfulness. I am honored. I want my husband to be a man, not some watered down neutral-gendered pet.  Is that offensive?  Yes, to many . That is okay. I have listened to my friends politically correct sensitive ramblings, many of which seem to put men a step below women. I find that offensive as well as breathtakingly arrogant.

I choose to cook for my family, which many say currently qualifies me as hopeless.  Could the men feed themselves?  Of course!  It is my choice to prepare food as a gesture of my affection for them.  Every relationship is a give and take situation.  The appreciation I receive for the food I prepare is ample reward. I choose the traditional for myself because it works in my relationship. Why is that wrong?

True feminism should be about choice.  Don’t want to cook?  Don’t.  Please stop ranting at my choices.  Respect my rights. Stop shaming men for traditional values. There are multitudes of women who prefer the Alpha male.  You can go ahead and scorn the muscle, or publicly pretend to. It is the weird dichotomy of our time. Fitness magazines and gyms promote physical strength while our outward speech and social expectations ask men to be apologetic for displaying might.

Ironically some of the most diehard feminists I know giggle in the dark at six foot tall built guys, laughingly wishing they could be so lucky. How un-politically correct of them.  These are the same girls who are just so offended by the objectification of women, yet stop in the mirror to see if their hemlines are high enough for a wild night at the club.   Whose notice exactly are they trying to attract? It couldn’t be a manly male, could it?

Biological urges are rooted in biology.  Men throughout history have been hunters, providers, defenders.  Now we ask them to step down, hold back, shelter the weak, embrace the soft, and in essence deny basic tenets of maleness.  You know who this hurts? All of us.

I love a knight in shining armor.  Not because I need to be rescued but because my heart thrills at the idea of being the knight’s conquest. Silly perhaps but ultimately truthful. I have the heart of a warrior and in no way see this perspective as weakness.  Instead it is completion. Queens have oft ruled kingdoms, but the idea of a manly king to match her resonates in my soul. It is not right or wrong.  Call it an appreciation of history, a nod to biology or feminine whim.  I want a man to treat me as a woman.  We are not the same and therein is where our greatness lies.

Yet we are systematically killing off chivalry. Why? It is in essence a form of kindness, a gesture of respect. To what end?   Please, stop your screeching and consider what it is that you are tossing away.

Women decry that it is difficult to find a truly nice man with whom to share their life. Women need to take part responsibility for that circumstance. Perhaps we need to show men more respect. Perhaps if men were encouraged and appreciated, taught to behave as gentlemen, and were free to be themselves without constant fear of reprimand things would be different.  Perhaps if men were expected to act as men, and women as ladies, the results would surprise us all.

Sorting Through a Life

My kids say that once I die they are going to want to kill me.  I have a lot of stuff. They are NOT looking forward to sorting through it.  Hey I get it.  I had to clear my grandma’s, each of my parents and an uncle’s home.  It can be perplexing and tedious. It can feel like a strange unlooked for responsibility.  It can also be joyful.

Nothing is as personal as your private things.  If you are left in the position of sorting out someones belongings, you are privileged.  It is your honor to handle their memories and to decide how to preserve the meaningful while disposing of the unnecessary.  Being the sorter means you were loved and trusted , privy to the innermost circle of someone’s life.

Yes, you will be frustrated at the amount of paperwork perhaps, and face the quandary of where everything will go.  But you will also stop and cry, laugh and remember.  You will rejoice at having had this person touch your life, and sorrow at things left unsaid and the finality of the moment.  In your sentimentality you will probably hold on to more than you should.  It is always hard to let go.

I look around my bedroom and see a strange assortment of objects.  Antique clocks that were my ancestors, a collection of medieval figures, a garden gnome that made me laugh, the books that brought me joy, an angel that my mom chose for me…am I sounding like a packrat?  Perhaps a little, but I keep these things because they make me smile.  They are the happiness of being loved and sharing moments with family and friends.  Because I run a theater business I will leave behind interesting props and more scripts than anyone could need. I will leave cards and notes and photographs. I will leave flashes of my passions.

I surround myself with the things I love. I hope my sorters do the same.  They will not love or appreciate the same memories I did. That is perfectly okay.  I do not want them holding on to unnecessary junk they will never look at again but keep because they feel guilty. I shudder at the thought of a shrine.  Objects are not important, except perhaps as a representation of the time you shared together.  My sorters should feel free to throw away whatever they wish. I truly have no expectations.   I am no longer part of this world.

They are.  I wish them to keep anything that brings them joy or a laughing memory of the time we shared.  Maybe they will each only keep one thing and dispose of the rest.  As long as it is a thing that is meaningful I have managed to leave them with one last gift. Though I can no longer be physically present I have shared a moment of intimacy with them, a final “I love you.”

Unfortunately for my kids they WILL someday have to sort through my stuff.  I will try to be kind and keep organized. There will still be piles they aren’t going to know what to do with, mutters of “why on earth did she keep this” and “oh, mom”s floating around.  I also hope there will be smiles and moments of the life we shared together, and that they stop their busy lives just for a moment to feel my echo in their heart.  This is one last thing they can do for me and I ask it of them with all the love in my heart.

Why Gift?

Holiday gifting is an opportunity. Giving means I see you.  I recognize who you are.  I appreciate what you mean to me.  I honor you.

What?  How do you get that out of a new pair of socks?  Well, some gifts are practical, designed to fulfill a need.  You want someone you care about to escape the cold or avoid a flat tire.  You want them well fed. You want them to live in a clean environment and enjoy good health. These are matter of fact wishes that express care for a person’s well-being. Through your gift you are trying to meet a specific want, a need of the recipient that you wish to fulfill. Practical can be very thoughtful. Pragmatic gifts say I care.

Passion gifts go a step further.  They recognize the unique in the recipient.  You like to sew so I find the best materials for your latest project.  You are a gardening fanatic so I research the latest botanic breakthroughs.  You love JRR Tolkien so I find a book bag with hobbits printed on it or a calendar from Middle Earth. Passion gifts honor the recipient through your acknowledgement of the things that matter most to them.  You are saying that you want them to have the things that make them happy, that you recognize whatever their individual interests are and that you honor their individuality.

Romantic gifts directly speak to your relationship.  Perhaps a negligee or crystal wine glasses will evoke memories of private moments shared.  Jewelry often falls into this category but so do other items such as framed photographs and childhood memorabilia. Maybe you know a side of the recipient that no one else has seen and found a way to reference that through a special present. You get her a candy she loved as a teenager or find him that special aftershave.  You find a photo of the two of you from 1970 and add a special caption.You make an ornament with a shared saying on it. Romantic gifts are a personalized statement of affection. Your gift is a direct reflection of your shared bond.

Oh, but I wouldn’t want someone to misunderstand the intent of my gift.  If I frame a photo or go with the romantic, does that imply a diamond ring must be in the offing?  Of course not. BFFs often choose to shine light on the personal. Your gift reflects the bond that is, telling the recipient that your relationship matters.  These gifts speak to the heart. Love is always a gift.

But my wife needs a vacuum cleaner.  Well then, that might be the best gift you can give her.  Or she might treasure a shell you picked up off the beach while thinking of her.  Or you might have heard her say that she loves dancing and set her up with some lessons. Your husband has had his eye on that workbench for a decade.  He can never find a tie that matches his grey suit. He loves a certain craft beer.

The trick is to think about your recipient as a whole person.  What are their passions and dreams?  What times do they cherish?  What makes them smile?  Are they more practically minded or prone to flights of fancy?  Of what do they dream?  What can you do to give them a moment of happiness?

But there are so many choices…so many directions! Practical, passionate or romantic- how do I choose?

There is no wrong answer.  As long as it is meaningful, your choice will be perfect every time. The key to giving is thoughtfulness.  Understand and appreciate the person and honor them through your choice of gift.  Special doesn’t mean big, expensive or fancy.   It means making or choosing a gift with care.

Who do I need to give to? That is strictly up to you. Your list can include anyone you wish to make happy, to recognize in some way the part they play in your life. The holidays are a celebration of what we hold dearest, an opportunity to show appreciation and love to those who make our lives worth living. Enjoy your opportunity to show gratitude.  Celebrate!

Nana’s

I remember the smell of turkey on Thanksgiving as I walked in the door, the warm hug and loving exclamation of my name, the obvious happiness whenever she would see me.  Hers was not a fancy place, but warm and welcoming.

Nana spent time.  She played Candyland and Scrabble, took me to amusement parks and for long walks.  She read to me, and cared about my day.  She talked with me instead of at me and made me laugh whenever she could.  I miss her.

Married to an abusive alcoholic Nana had known loss, heartbreak and suffering.  Her face was lined, wrinkled in testament to her struggles, yet her eyes still twinkled merrily. She had raised four children to adulthood, men and women with strong moral compasses who improved the world they lived in. Her children were always her greatest source of joy. She never let struggle harden her heart.

Nana was open and loving, supportive and kind. She was an original. With oodles of curiosity and a willingness to experience new things she often surprised us with her sense of adventure. Whether taking me on a roller coaster or boating across a lake, hunting for Easter eggs or watching Batman she lived in the moment.  She was present and sharing that moment with you as if it were a gift. She had boundless spirit.  I never doubted that she loved me.

At Nana’s I always felt special.  I was not her only grandchild but recognized that the bond we shared was unique to the two of us, and I am certain that each of her grandchildren felt the same.  She listened and laughed, challenged and comforted.  Her home was my second home where I was always welcome.

I will be Nana soon.  I am excited and hopeful.  We do not fully understand the impact our extended family has on us when we are young.  Yes we know we love our grandparents, aunts and uncles but we do not yet know how cherished the memories of our times together will be.  I had a good set of parents, but the impact of my extended family  was enormous.  I had so many role models, each of them with special wisdom and experiences to gift me.  I was shaped through their lives and love.  They are part of the woman I am.  I will forever be enormously grateful for the time we shared.

My grandchildren will know the unconditional love of Nana. I look forward to sharing time and building memories. I hope to be part of our family legacy, by sharing the warmth, kindness and wisdom I was lucky enough to grow with. It is an honor and privilege to try.  I understand what a difference it can make.

I spent every Thanksgiving with my Nana. Now I am simply thankful to have known her.

Bubble Wrap Childrearing

Should we protect our kids from all harm? If we do, we are not doing them any favors. A child can try to shelter a baby bird in hand, but if they squeeze too hard they will kill it. The motivation is pure- that of protection, but the result is the opposite.

I am a mom.  My sons are my heart.  Of course I want to shield them and pave an easy road. Our instincts can be counterproductive to producing happy, well-adjusted and independent adults.

Nobody likes a bully.  Confrontations with aggressive folk are painful. When someone makes our kindergartener feel bad, we wish we could stomp the offender senseless. We do what we can, complaining to adults, scheduling conferences, keeping our child as far away from the tyrant as possible.  These are not necessarily wrong actions but they are not the most important response.

Talk with your child.  Sympathize and explain that these are situations we all encounter, no matter how old we are.  Explore why the situation happened and suggest some coping strategies.  Think it through together.  What do you think the bully was trying to accomplish?  How could you react next time?  What effect does this incident have on your child’s feelings toward and relationship with the offender?  Share your own experiences. Support and love, listen and strengthen.  Keep the incident in perspective.   This can be an important opportunity for learning.

Our anger while certainly justified can aggravate an already uncomfortable situation. More helpful is the confidence we can instill by believing our child has the strength and capability to handle the situations they encounter.  “Sticks and stones may break your bones” is an outdated adage. Words certainly do hurt.  Yet the message behind the old verse of not giving someone’s words too much importance is still relevant.  By not adding our own fuel to the fire, by acknowledging a situation to be irritating rather than life-threatening, we diffuse much of the impact. You are sending a message that the incident does not need to rock a child’s inner confidence.  The actions of the bully only reflect on the aggressors nature.

As your children grow, learn to trust them.  Trust that the lessons you have imparted fell into fertile soil .  If they do not have an opportunity to exercise their moral compasses then they have little opportunity to develop their own code of ethics.  Will they make mistakes and exercise poor judgement?  Sometimes.  Those too are learning opportunities. This is how we learn to accept responsibility for our failures, and how to improve in our decision making.  If you lock your child in their room throughout all of high school do not be surprised when they lack appropriate skills to successfully cope with the challenges of college.

Our children need to fail.   They need to learn what their strengths and weaknesses are. Yes, love them with all of your being.  Never ever pretend to yourself or to your child that either of you is perfect.  We all have strengths and talents and we all have weaknesses. Being able to honestly assess which are which is a tremendous source of inner strength.

I am not suggesting that total freedom is the answer.  Parental limits are an important part of your child’s security.  If your children exceed those boundaries punishment is perfectly acceptable.  Yet try to resist the impulse to jump in and automatically fix a problem they have created.  If your child did not do homework, they should fail the class and attend summer school.  Make it clear that they are responsible for that choice and the consequences that follow. Don’t call the school, begging and bartering on their behalf. Make your child understand where their own power lies and how their choices will impact their life.

Your child may not like vacuuming or doing dishes, but not everything in life is fun. He wants expensive electronic equipment, but the cost of such items are prohibitive.  It is not only okay but realistic for your child to understand these concepts.  He needs to value work, sacrifice and limitation.  By making things too easy you are giving him an unrealistic view of adult life, a life which may no longer include the shelter of a living parent.  Our kids cannot become independent productive citizens if not allowed to grow through experiencing personal hardship.

Again, talk with your children.  Do not speak at them or lecture nonstop.  Help them to express their struggles aloud.  It is a gift to be able to share our doubts and fears.  Listen, as free of judgement as you are able, encouraging your kids to reason through their circumstance, reaching their own logical conclusion.  Help them learn how to think.  Help them apply their reason to emotional circumstances. Do not tell your child how to feel. Give advice when asked for but allow them to interpret their own positions.  They might not agree with you, and that is okay.  Try to understand their perspective and keep your conversation meaningful. Do not lie or fall back into standard platitudes. Be real. Honest and open conversation is the single most effective tool in the parental toolbox. Discussion will not resolve every issue. It will open paths of understanding. Keeping open dialogue is essential.

Your kids will get themselves into trouble. They will encounter obstacles. We wish we could wrap them in bubble wrap that all the sharp edges of life could be blunted. It is tough to watch our offspring flounder or struggle. It can be painful. Stay the course. Support where you can but allow the struggle.  Love them unconditionally. Believe in their strength. Have faith they are capable of finding their way.  Give them the opportunity to cope. Rejoice in their accomplishments, genuine progress they make through their own struggles and perseverance.

It is not easy to raise a confident adult.  Allowing our birds the freedom to fly is an integral part of the process. Throw that bubble wrap into the trash. You and your child are tougher than you think.

Jumping Judgement

You cannot deny it:  This election cycle has turned many ordinarily well spoken folk into ravening beasts foaming at the mouth when confronted with opposition.

I just witnessed a super nice, somewhat reserved person post her political view online for the very first time. Shockingly, at least to me, one of her social media”friends” immediately, aggressively condemned her.  There was no discussion.  There were no questions.  She was simply told that because of her views, which had been politely phrased, she was obviously ignorant. Point blank. Ignorant. This “friend” scolded on, stating that it was hoped the girl would “start to think…” The commenter topped it off by condescendingly adding that she was “sorry” she needed to unfriend her, but there simply was no choice. Really?

If she had promised to unfriend me, I would have cheered without hesitation. No loss there.

“Sorry?”  I doubt it. The aggressor was way too high on her horse looking down her nose to suffer regret. Who is she fooling? And what puts her in the position to pass judgement at all?  “Start to think?!” How dare the commenter decide this girl is less informed because she came to a different conclusion.Talk about logical fallacy. It is the commenter here who needs to stop and reassess. Her post was arrogant and thoughtless, callous and unnecessary. She rendered unequivocal judgement based on her perceived superior thought process. She hurt someone and did it deliberately over a simple difference of opinion. Being summarily dismissive is no act of friendship.

Of course there is a choice. She could have accepted that someone felt differently about an issue. Since when has thinking for oneself become a criminal act?  So you disagree.  That is perfectly okay.  Agree to disagree. You can (and probably should) have friends with a variety of opinions. Do you choose your friendships based on a single trait? Must they only share your point of view to be deemed acceptable? I would hope not. How boring.

The responder could have chosen whether it was worth examining or exploring differences. It is not required that anyone comment on a post. Perhaps she could have scrolled by without stopping to offer insult. She could have responded thoughtfully, mindful of her friend’s feelings. She could have responded honestly from a position of friendship. This is known as civil discourse. It is a form of social manners. It is an exercise we expect of our offspring by the time they are of kindergarten age.

For some reason adults have forgotten how to play nice.  We are too busy being offended, aggrieved and oh so right all the time about everything.  We no longer  behave as if we understand the most basic elements of friendship, most notably that of respect.

Judging others does not make you more intelligent.  It simply demonstrates that you are closed minded and unwilling to listen when others disagree with you. It certainly does not confer superiority in any way. Express yourself all you want, but at least attempt to be civil with those who are giving you the courtesy of hearing or reading your views.  Ranting is unproductive. Slurs and vindictiveness are simply ugly.  Clear and measured reasoning carries weight. Choose to communicate with style and dignity.

We used to talk politics around the dinner table every Thanksgiving.  It was a fun exercise, as I had an uncle who simply loved playing The Devil’s Advocate.  He would stake an outrageous position and argue it to the best of his ability.  He would get everyone going and then laugh and laugh.  It was fun and educational.  We all loved and respected one another.  We knew it was good to examine issues from all perspectives and it was your right to decide how you felt.  We respected each other and trusted that we would think our own matters through to the best of our ability.  We disagreed often, and that was okay.  If anything our disagreements added a healthy dose of spice to our relationships, not to mention a heavy dose of humor.  They strengthened our affection.

We had all types in our extended family: curmudgeons, liberals, feminists, gay, conservatives, substance abusers, traditionalists, revolutionaries…and we loved them all for their individuality.  Each person broadened our family understanding of the world around us.  We learned to look at any set of circumstances from several unique perspectives.

I wish that colorful bunch was still here today to argue about the 2016 presidential race.  I can just imagine how fun the disagreements would be! There are so many avenues currently open to conversation that I cannot imagine how adventurous and colorful our journey would have been. I do know at the end of the day, regardless of where we individually stood on matters, we would still have loved and respected one another with humor, depth and understanding.  Of course my older relatives never had the chance to debate politics on a social media platform.  Just as well I guess.  The internet might have imploded. My uncle would have loved every minute of it.

 

5.0.2

The Art of Gift Giving

The holidays are fast approaching.  For some, producing presents signifies an exciting challenge, a delightful spree.  Others dissolve into cold sweat, horrified by the pressure. What makes a good gift? 

Simple: something you have thoughtfully chosen to gift with your recipient foremost in mind.

Giving is less about the giver than the receiver.  We all want to be loved, noticed and appreciated.  It is not about money.  There are myriad ways to show affection that have nothing to do with your budget.  Through giving you are sending a message: you are important to me.  I value our relationship and am celebrating by sharing this with you.

What are the finest qualities in your friend?  Do you appreciate the music you share, a sense of humor that never fails, a willingness to listen?  Is your recipient a nature lover, a thinker, shy or bold?  Are they a sportsman, builder, artist or performer?  What do they do in their spare time?  Of what do they dream?

Avoid the trap of  “Wow, I think this is awesome, so I am sure they will like it too”. Remember this is not about you.  It is about appreciating and showing affection to the receiver.  The better you know your receiver, the easier the process becomes.

Pay attention.  Not the night before the holiday, but over a period of time when you really look at, think about, watch and observe the people in your life.  Have you been listening to those around you?  Be mindful of their points of view and the things that matter to them. Are they super sociable or quiet natured ?  Is there any part of their life that you can make easier?

Think outside the box.  What would surprise them?  What have you noticed about them that surprises you?  How can you recognize their unique qualities?  Do the enjoy travel?

Gift certificates for experiences are readily available.  Arrange for an experience you share or provide an escape from their daily routine. Dining, hot tubs, rafting, the circus…Find tickets to a venue for a performance they would enjoy.  Send them somewhere they have never been.

Write a poem for  them or assemble photos that are meaningful.  Make an ornament.  Bake a family recipe or pass one along.  Craft the unique.  You don’t need to be Picasso.  As long as your gift carries meaning it will be appreciated. Find something that you know will make them laugh.  Choose a book that you know will capture their interest. If your gift shows how much you value the recipient, if it carries heart, it is a no-fail proposition.  You have successfully conquered the challenge of the perfect present.

Giving is an art form but there is no mystery to it.  Express your appreciation of the person in your life.  Choose thoughtfully. Gift respect for the relationship you share.  How will you know you have chosen well?  When you are excited to give, because you know the receiver will be happy as a result of your choice.  It is worth the effort.  Mindful giving puts joy and meaning into the holiday. It will turn your shopping chore into a heartfelt celebration.

 

Leaves

New England foliage is amazing in October.  The golden and orange tones intertwined with vibrant reds and greens present so beautifully against a sparkling  blue sky.  It is fall.

I am in the autumn of my life.  Granted it is still early fall for me, but my time on this planet is evolving.  I enjoyed my spring years, lively and awkward.  My summer was full of love and laughter, peppered with the adventures of raising a family.  I have had some challenges as we all do and celebrated so many joys.

It is hard to recognize the passing of happy years, but fear of aging is a waste of time. Especially when there is always something new and wonderful to appreciate in each particular place and moment you occupy in your life.

Autumn brings a profound appreciation of the things we take for granted in our youth. There is a hint of a chill in the air and we know winter is ahead, which somehow makes us appreciate our campfires all the more.  I listen so much more carefully to the happiness in children’s voices.  I let more of my cares drift away on the breeze, allowing them to flutter away as I recognize how unimportant they are in the larger scheme of things.  I savor the hugs and kisses, the smiles and conversations.  I feel art and music. I let my imagination move freely, words and connections simpler yet more meaningful.

Because I have faced loss I hold what I now have dear. I see the past with new and wiser eyes.  I use my time more thoughtfully, turning my attention to those things that matter most.  Nature calls to my senses. I often stop simply to breathe the fresh air and give thanks that I am here.  Sunlight on the water and dew on the grass lift my mood.

I have always been family centered. The frantic schedules, crazy balancing and teen angst have quieted.  Children are now adults, fully immersed in the unpredictability and excitement of life on the cusp of summer. I listen and comfort, enjoy and advise from a calm corner. I give whatever I can to smooth their roads. I revel in the solid feel of my husbands body curled against me in the quiet hours of the morning.  A cup of coffee, a hearty laugh, clean soft sheets and colorful small details create my nest of comfort. My family is home.

The vital green of life, rosy warmth of family gatherings, oranges of surprise and yellow sunshiny anticipation of grandchildren weave into a beautiful tapestry. The tree of life is an age old symbol and it is apt.

I have lived through seasons turn. Autumn’s colorful grace carries the meaning and appreciation that youth lacked.  I am at peace, wholeheartedly grateful for the golden years.

 

Money Offenses

I admit it.  I am peeved.  A young man half my age just snickered at my home heating system.  “Wow”, he commented, “Why would you keep this old thing running when a new one only runs five or six?”  I coolly inquired, “Five or six?”  He answered,”Yeah, five or six, seven grand tops and you can get rid of this clunker.  Who would be silly enough to pop seven hundred dollars into repairs?  Waste of money when a new one is so cheap.”

I would be that silly.  I simply don’t have the cash for a new one.  When I tell him I am interested in prolonging the life of my existing system, he stares at me blank-faced for a moment, then utters a drawn out, disparaging “O-o-o-h. O-kay.”

A student yesterday lamented that she felt bad because she may not be able to attend a twelve hundred dollar Caribbean cruise during spring break that is an optional journey offered by the music department at our high school. “Oh, you’re going too?” her peer squealed in excitement. “It is gonna be so much fun!”  “No” muttered the blushing student in a quiet voice, “I don’t think I will be able to make it.” Her squealing friend paused, caught on and attempted to minimize the damage.  “No big deal.  There will be other trips later on.”

And there will be, but perhaps not for everyone.  My kids were never able to go on one, and you know what?  They are thriving happy adults. I am not going to freeze this winter and I have it a lot better than many of my acquaintances. I am solidly middle class and my situation is far from unusual.  There are those far above me and those way below my monetary status. The heating boy does not own his own home, have children to support or occupy any meaningful position from which to comment on my financial choices or situation.

Until you have driven a clunker or worn hand-me-downs or cut coupons, you probably have little understanding of what financial judgement feels like.  An inherent assumption exists that there is a basic level of economic wellbeing that everyone enjoys.  People need to be more aware that personal circumstances vary.  The squealer meant no harm and the oil technician was simply thoughtless when he spoke. Neither understood the audience they were addressing. They were each reveling in their own thoughts, without looking outward to see or care about their neighbor.

Take a moment to really see before you speak.   When you do speak, express yourself with care to the person you are addressing. Many of your neighbors struggle to put food on their tables.  People work long hours to support and nurture their families.  We face losses of those we love and watch our families grow.  We endure illness and share celebrations of life achievements. We are human and share our joys and sorrows.  Does a diminished savings account define a person?  Should shame follow admission of poverty?  Does a fatter wallet make a better person?  Of course not.  Yet those who feel looked down upon by those of superior financial status feel lessened.   Are you making someone else feel like less?

People can be grossly insensitive.  The trick is to not let it ruin your day.  Remind yourself that the offenders have no real understanding of your life and are speaking out of turn. You also have no appreciation of their background.  Though financially comfortable their lives may be lacking in many other ways. Perhaps they never learned how to look thoughtfully outside of themselves.

These offenses are hardest on kids.  Children are honest. They can make devastating remarks without even realizing that another student is feeling belittled.  “You have never been to Disney?  Oh, my parents take us every two years.  You have to go!”  Kids have little to no understanding of economic differences.  Parents need to educate their children early on.  Take the time to explain values, and where money matters fall in the hierarchy of life.

We all like having things and doing things.  Money is important as having it ensures comfort and a certain freedom to move fluidly within society. Yet there is a lot that money cannot do. Money cannot replace a solid system of ethical values or substitute family or friendship or education.  Money is superfluous when it comes to emotional connection or appreciating nature. Money is a practical object. It is not key to becoming the person you wish to be.  Having easy access to wealth is not a solution to life problems. Funny enough when things do come easily they are often less valued than those we earn.

The heater boy offended me.  I was mad for a minute or two.  I was certainly not jealous.  I am proud that I have worked to get my family to the place we occupy and wouldn’t change my beloved crew with all its foibles and circumstances for the world. My best memories and experiences have nothing to do with my wallet. I am glad my kids and I are thoughtful. We do our best to value others. We often laugh at our challenges, recognizing that financial woes are better issues to face than many others.  I am grateful for all we do have. In spite of a bum oil tank we are remarkably fortunate. As to whether I will have this heating company make another service call, I will simply reserve my judgement.

 

 

Motherhood is Fierce

The Vikings had nothing on mothers.

There is an innate protective instinct to guard our young.  It is instantaneous reaction. Fears and inhibitions instantly retreat, subservient to the driving need to shelter from harm.  It is not something we ponder over or deliberately choose.  This ferocity simply is.

An enormous dog once threatened my son.  I launched myself at that animal without a second thought.  I have witnessed moms foaming at the mouth in PTA meetings.  We regularly take on other mothers, husbands, neighbors and the domestic elements.  We are a driven population.  Nothing will stand in the way of our child’s wellbeing.

My husband refers to my sons as my cubs. It is an apt description.  Do I recognize their faults?  Oh yes.  However, you had best be careful if you are attempting to belittle one of them in any way.  These are my chosen, my beloved, my responsibility to guard. Like every mom, I will rabidly defend my children to the death if necessary. If you choose to threaten I will roar, gnash teeth and unleash the beast within.

You may fail to recognize the smallest signs of my dedication: the food I select, the clothing I purchase, the recreational activities I arrange. I have constructed a zone of safety wherein my child may flourish.  This is not a function of age or helplessness.  Yes we wrap our newborns in the softest of blankets, nursing them to growth.This is but a launching point, the veriest beginning of lifelong effort. We actively continue on, encouraging and nurturing at every stage.  Long after adulthood has been reached we are still there, our metaphorical blankets ready to enfold.  The empirical demands of motherhood never cease.

Heroes of legend have been born of women who struggled, sacrificed and endured. Endless stories abound of mothers who wrought miracles, who gave life and shaped it against all odds.  We bear witness for those who gave their very lives to ensure their offspring knew survival.  It is not a choice we make.  It is instinct.  It is who we are.

We are warriors.  Our battles range from the smallest of mundane things to acts of great courage. We go through labor to achieve our state and continue our labors for our time on earth.  It is our honor to do so. We listen with open hearts.  We take time to talk out our issues. We cook, clean, argue and defend.  We are present, half of an eternal bond, a sacred trust.  We ensure our children know security. We battle. We endure. We protect. We love. Motherhood is fierce.